Month: August 2019

How gentle can I be with myself? How much can allow myself to be honest and raw? How much can I allow myself to tell the truth. The truth of joy…and the truth of sorrow, too? How much can I allow myself to just have fun? And how much can I allow myself to breathe and be all right? Right now. Just the way things are. Without “fixing” a thing? 

How nonsensical is it that we don’t allow ourselves to do these things? Instead we hide ourselves away from what might heal us. We hide ourselves away from discovering how supported we can be in the world; and how like one another we actually are. We spend so much time putting up a “good front”. We spend a lot of time trying to “look okay.” And you know what? It’s exhausting. Not only that, it cuts us off from actually being okay. Telling the truth is a balm. 

I’ve heard it said that if we could each read one another’s stories…the whole unvarnished thing, we would fall in love…every time. I believe that.

We protect ourselves, each one, from everyone else. Isn’t that laughable, when you think about it? At least, this is what I’ve seen. It’s also what I’ve done. I’ve done it as if someone’s bad opinion would actually kill me. I’ve done it as if I didn’t belong in the world; and as if I were the only one who didn’t. That’s insanity. Hiding out from the world is insanity. Staying locked in dread is insanity. 

So here I am, trying to find my way in the world and sometimes feeling a bit wobbly. I’m finding out it’s not that unusual a thing. It’s not uncommon. A lot of us, if not most of us, are trying to look “sure” when we’re not. We’re playing it by ear. And if we’re lucky, some of us learn to dance. We learn to be guided by something that isn’t guilt or fear.

What I’m finding out is that falling into being completely willing to screw up frees me. It frees me to be as I am, who I am, what I am…whatever that is. It frees me up to find out what that is. Being willing to make mistakes is freedom. Being willing to embarrass myself is freedom., And I am amazed to find that I slowly become more competent, not less.  

I grew up not being able to laugh at myself much at all. I’m changing that. Bit by bit, one step at a time, I’m changing that. I’m learning not to be so closed off. 

Dignity and self-respect are inside jobs. Everyone seems to “know” that. It gets said. The thing is, in my case at least, I had forgotten to actually live that way. 

When I can love myself through whatever happens, no matter what happens, that’s dignity. That’s power. When I can finally forgive myself for botching up whatever I’ve botched up and admit how much it hurt, that’s dignity. That’s standing up again. That’s coming out of hiding. The miracle is that there is no botching it up, because whatever happened before is what brought me here. This is how kind life is. When I can appreciate my life, just the way it is…that too, is self respect. And that’s cause for celebration.

When I honor my own heart I am more available to honor yours. That’s connection. I have to risk if I want to meet you in that place. I have to risk if I want to talk about what’s important to me, and to actually hear what’s important to you. 

Today I am learning about frustration…and patience. I opened a can of worms having something to do with wanting to change the “name” of my iPhone. Don’t even ask. 

Well, okay…I’ll answer: it began when I was borrowing Jake’s wireless earbuds. (They’re nice…from Bose.) Some little quirk in me didn’t like the thing’s little electronic voice saying it had connected to “Jake’s iPhone” and then just calling mine “iPhone”. I know. Right? How silly.

Anyway, first I couldn’t remember the exact answers to my Apple security questions to be able to go in and make such a change. I mean, I knew the answers, but not exactly how I had typed them in. There were possible variations. Jake was trying to help me, but when it came to this part, the right answer wasn’t coming. So…I played with it. I played with it over and over again until the iPhone finally shut me out of trying. And then it said there wasn’t sufficient  information to reset my security questions. 

I thought this meant I was shut out of anything I needed to do that required my Apple security information forever. (It doesn’t. It means about eight hours.)

That’s what I found out after talking to a very amiable and infinitely patient woman at Apple Support. (Her name was Elizabeth.) I was on the phone with her for maybe 20 minutes all in all, (maybe even a little more), and I talked through what was happening with her and she walked me through trying to clear it up. “Try again tomorrow,” was the final verdict. I was only shut out temporarily. I can try to reset those security questions in the morning. And she sent me an email with a case number on it (in case I need it later).

All of that, by the way, was after I had first pulled up Safari and searched Apple Support and stumbled upon a very general kind of “answer” site (all kinds of answers!) and signed up for a membership and  then talked to a gentleman named Pradip for awhile. He was very kind, and he did know techy stuff about Apple and iPhone support…but what I discovered was that I was not talking to the people I thought I was talking to at all. (A little embarrassing, but okay. I’m getting a feel for handling these things myself. I’ve had a habit of letting Jake handle the stuff that requires phone calls and research like this. I’m stretching a little. So I’m forgiving myself. The next time will be better.) The best Pradip was able to do in a case like this was to give me the number to Apple Support. (Which was what I actually wanted in the first place.) 

All this just to do a little thing like naming my device. Still, it was a good experience.

I was letting myself play with finding my own way around it, and I learned some things. Patience with myself. Patience with the process. Patience with doing one thing, and then the next, and then the next…until the answer comes. So there is a certain sense of accomplishment, even though it took awhile. Even though it wasn’t a straight route.

Every tiny thing that shows me what I can do lifts me up a little. I’m just that much stronger, and I’m just that much more competent. There’s something in my heart that just gets excited and giggles inside. “Remember that.” Remember that trial and error and mistakes are not the end of the world. Breathe. Be happy. Celebrate the little victories. Don’t negate them. Don’t belittle them. 

Every single thing that teaches me to forgive myself helps make me stronger, too. Isn’t that something? We don’t get stronger by being beaten down…or by beating ourselves down. Forgiveness has a lot of power in it. 

Update on the second day: It didn’t work. Today, I was still getting the message that there wasn’t sufficient information to reset the security questions on my iPhone. I called back. Long story short, my phone is now set up with “two factor authentication”; no more messing around with security questions. It’s funny to see how the people in Apple support seemed to be feeling around this, not quite sure what had happened, the same way I was. So, it seems as if we are all learning something.

The other thing was that both Jake and I looked around this morning for “where” there was a place to create or change the “name” of my iPhone to something other than “iPhone”. No dice. Readers, I am laughing at myself and what the universe is teaching me. If you have read this far, to the end of this saga, thanks for taking the ride with me.

A message from Spirit that I hope may speak to you, as well. We are all part of the human condition:

What are you learning?

What are you learning about your own innocence…about the innocence of the world?

What are you learning about forgiveness?

What are you learning about love…about the nature of love…where it comes from?

What are you learning about resistance? What is the nature of resistance? What is the nature of the brick walls in your life…the ones that have seemed to block you from what you want…or from moving forward?

My desire is that you pay attention. My desire is that you remember how free you are…awaken to how free you are. Awaken to the power in that.

You are love, child. You are love and you are loved. Everything you want lives inside you. The courage you want lives inside you, burning like a fire…ready. You only need to be willing to accept it.

You only need to investigate all your excuses. Investigate what’s been hurting you. Investigate the stories you have been telling yourself…all those stories that have been protecting you, but also keeping you small…keeping you from your experience of power.

Find your small steps to the edge…and a little past the edge. 

Name what you want.

The time has come for you when all the recycled words about it are not enough. What has served you in the past is no longer serving. It is growing into the next thing. I know you may not see how. All you need to do is say “yes”. Keep saying yes. This has been since the first days of the journey into your freedom…and you have done the best you were able until now. You have seen the gifts from that. Continue, sweetheart. Simply continue. A little further into yes…and a little further. The Divine Father walks with you. The Divine Mother whispers in your heart. Listen. Everything you require is within you.

There is nothing to prove. Ignore what you’ve thought you had to prove…and what you’ve failed to prove…and where you thought you’d fallen short. Pay attention to what you desire with your whole heart. Those are your signposts. That’s your GPS.

Take your time, child. Go at your own pace. Honor your pace. But say yes to your yes. Call out for the help you need.