Month: November 2020

Things are changing in my life right now. 

At the end of the month, I will be moving…heading back to Wisconsin for an undetermined time. I am looking forward to seeing friends and getting some health things checked into by my doctors there.

The vision in my right eye has recently changed. Something happened, an ophthalmologist here in Florida told me, called “ischemic optic neuropathy.” I had some blood tests so that the doctor could know there is no immediate emergency. Now, I am breathing into healing my right eye. My left eye has already had glaucoma for years, so I was distressed at first.

I will be leaving Florida, the tropical climate, and this house  where I have become accustomed to living for the last six months. I will be parting physically from dear friends with whom I have been living and working to create next steps and fresh possibilities…people who have encouraged me and meant a lot to me on my journey.  

I am ready to move on now, into a new perspective–a light at the end of the tunnel around my relationship with money and abundance and how that all happens. I am ready to begin moving from fear into joy…from panic into calm.

Certainly, there are things happening “out there” in the world, too: covid, dissension about the presidential election in our country…all the news.

Life is happening and emotions are swirling. 

Meanwhile, every Tuesday I have been meeting with the women in Dr. Kate Dow’s Cultivating Calm and Confidence Within group coaching program. I’ve been getting in touch with the feminine embodiment of wisdom and intuition. It has been such a blessing and helps me through  the ups and downs. I am learning even more about creating my own sense of safety and equilibrium. My desire, right now, is to create an even deeper connection with my life, my experience, and my freedom.

So I breathe. I remember what I was shown last Tuesday. 

I breathe into my throat chakra. I breathe into my voice.

I breathe into my heart chakra. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Tenderness.

I breathe into my solar plexus chakra. I breathe into the stagnant feelings I have had of powerlessness and fear. I breathe compassion into my solar plexus. Understanding. Love. I breathe compassion into the old searching. Old Shame. Smallness. Feelings of incompetence and “not enough.” 

As I breathe, I remind myself of innocence. Not merely my own innocence, not a personal innocence, but the innocence of everything and everyone.The innocence of the whole experience of life. I breathe into a stability in the solar plexus, a place to stand.

In the end, nothing is separate and nothing is harmed. In the end it is all swirling energy. In the end, where is a judge? 

Feelings are also not “wrong” or “bad”. My entire being is allowed. 

Lastly, I breathe into the sacral chakra; the sacred womb where gestation is happening and the next possibility is preparing to be birthed. I breathe into change and the creative power of imagination. I breathe into not knowing.

I am grateful for all that is happening in my life. I am grateful for all that I am being shown and for the sisterhood of the women in this group. Doors are closing and doors are opening. I am looking forward to the new year.

What I am feeling this morning is that it is time. After all this time I have spent wandering in my own personal desert…acknowledging my thirst…my desires…acknowledging my fear…and after all this time learning to care for myself and to call out to God…

It is time to stand and say “yes” to my life. This life with its precarious edges and its uncertainty  and its call to explore.

It is time to stop being envious of those I see choosing their lives and thriving and being happy. It is time for me to choose mine. This story–with its twists and turns and the choices I have made is my story. It is time to own it.

I do not yet know what my life will look like in December. I do not yet know where I will be living or what I will be doing. In a month…what will my day-to-day life look like?

I did not know when the year began that this year would bring pandemic…and this house in Florida…and the housemates I am sharing this space with now.

I did not know, either, that at this point it would still feel as if I have been struggling so much–with focus…with direction…with my intentions. And with my fears.

Am I a writer? Am I a coach? Am I a copywriter? Where can I serve? How can I be useful? How can I contribute?

And what am I willing to do to reach the next place in my life? How am I willing to step out and test the waters? Because it feels as if something has still been holding back. Something has still been distracted and disoriented and thrashing about up until now.

“I can’t.”

“It’s too big.”

“It’s too much.”

“I don’t know how.”

“It’s too late.”

“I’m too old.”

“I’m not ready.”

And then the words from a deep place in a hidden corner in the darkness: “Who do you think you are?”

To be powerful. To decide what’s important to you in your own life. To risk. To ever have stopped playing it safe. To climb out of your box…out of your cage. Who do you think you are?

So I sat with these words…this onslaught…on Tuesday in the Cultivating Calm and Confidence Within group coaching session. And I breathed the words out into hands cupped in front of my heart. Practicing to let go.

Was there a sudden miracle? Not so much. But I saw something.

I saw that “after all this time”…after this time I am calling wandering through my personal desert and doing the work I’ve been doing…I was still “dealing with” and being held back by these thoughts–these thoughts that something inside me is quite aware are bullshit. And I was irritated. And I was frustrated. I was angry. And when I spoke the truth about it…I cried…and something was ashamed of that, too.

Shame. Blame. Not good enough. Dr. Kate helped me see it…to find all of that in my body…to breathe into it…and be kind. She helped me acknowledge the road I’ve traveled and the exquisite beauty of where I am right now. 

There are lessons we can learn in our heads…but if we are not finding them in our body, then they are lost to us. I was reminded how wise the body is…and to return there. Again. And again.

In the body is gentleness…tenderness…the perfection of the moment. My practice is to keep returning.