So…what do I have to share?
Jake is in the area, now. He arrived a week ago yesterday and spent a couple of nights here at my place while he got himself situated in a place of his own. Yesterday happened to be our wedding anniversary. Neither divorced nor married seems like the appropriate word anymore. Old rules don’t apply.
It feels as if we are testing whether or not doing some more traveling together after the end of October will work. We’ve had some deep conversations about our processes. It surprised me to see some anger, resentment and sadness still coming up after what feels like “all this time.” I think I am done with certain things and I find I’m not. Maybe that’s just the messy human in me. Sometimes you just have to love the mess. The British have a phrase I like: “There’s nothing else for it.” Sometimes loving the mess is the only cure.
“What a strange life…and what an interesting one.” I wrote in my personal journal a week ago. “When I am relaxed and not panicked, I can really take that in. The scenery is ever changing. When I am open to it, it is a kaleidoscope of color…beauty.” Sometimes I am blinded by the mess…and sometimes not. Sometimes there are moments of clarity.
The key to “what’s next” is somehow right here inside me. (Where else would it be?) I am the only one who can open that door…and yet there has been this feeling that I am still waiting on myself.
Can the anger and resentment soften? Can it soften into opening and letting go? Can it soften into my own clear boundaries and my own clear “yes”? Can it soften into respect and self-respect? Listening…and being heard? Can traveling together be something that serves and benefits us both on each of our paths? If that’s a possibility, maybe traveling together is a possibility. If it isn’t…then it obviously won’t work.
❤️