Acceptance

Sometimes it hurts to feel. Still,I am finding that to dive deep, to sit and unravel the feelings blesses me.  Fear begins to show its nuances of shame, guilt, confusion, rage, grief, disappointment, and frustration. I notice that to recognize everything that’s coming up and to let it dance in front of me has healing properties. 

To acknowledge it all has healing properties.

To confront it forces me to see where I have betrayed myself, where I have given up my power, and where I have refused ownership of my own life. I see that I have blamed others. And from time to time I have turned a blind eye to my responsibility.

To see this can feel humbling, and frightening, like devastation…or the edge of devastation, but it is also a path to growth. A new page is turning in my life and sometimes I feel as if I am not turning quickly enough with it. It feels like I’m not keeping up, which feels precarious. Yet how could I be separate from this unfolding of my life? I am always held by something I don’t necessarily understand.

We are all so very human, and yet the divinity of Beingness shines through us, too. At times we appear to ourselves to be helpless, receiving moment by precious moment the grace of God. I don’t know all the answers, I only know that there is a magic in the acceptance of what is. And so I work at that.

Grace. Grace. Grace.

Right now this grace looks like this lovely house I get to live in. It looks like a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in. It looks like plenty of food in the refrigerator, hot and cold running water, and a shower every morning. Not bad for “the edge of devastation.”

And the question is: What now? 

How do I want to step up? Own up. Choose.

Four years ago I didn’t see the sharp left turn coming  up in my life. And yet I jumped. I allowed myself to be brave and willing and curious. Paradoxically, sometimes it felt as if I were being dragged kicking and screaming into something foreign and unfamiliar. I see that all of that was a strange grace too.

I am not the same woman I was four years ago. And I do not yet know the woman I am becoming. I am breathing myself into a new life. With patience, listening closely to the wisdom of my body, I am beginning to trust that the way is opening up in front of me.

(Thank you so much Dr. Kate Dow for your service in teaching women the ways of getting in touch with our feminine knowing.)