Begin

Begin. Most of the time it feels like that’s the most difficult part.

The conversation in my head goes like this:

“Begin what?”

 “Begin where?”

 “I don’t know how.”

It sounds like:

 “To what purpose?”

“Where am I going?”

“What’s the point?”

“What’s expected of me?”

“How do I get this right?”

Interesting. Is someone actually expecting anything?

What if you let it show up exactly the way it does? What if you’re not trying to go anywhere in particular…except past this place where you haven’t been moving? What if where you’re going shows up in the process. 

What if you just…begin? 

Type a word. Type two. See if the dam begins to break. See if something comes trickling out.

“What if it’s silly?”

“What if it doesn’t make any sense?”

“What if it’s awful?”

If you really think it’s that bad, you can keep it to yourself. No one ever has to know. How could you hurt yourself by playing with it?

“No one will care.”

You will!  You will have taken a step past your fear. 

Begin.

“What if I hate it?”

“What if they hate it?”

Then you will have learned something. Won’t you? And if you put it out there and everybody laughs or scoffs or rolls their eyes…tell me something:

Will you die?

Begin.

A friend of mine suggested that I write “two lousy pages a day” as a way of creating a habit. Two pages. Good, bad, indifferent. Doesn’t matter. Just allow myself to play with it.  That means I get to take a deep breath because, hey, it doesn’t have to turn out “great”. I can give myself a break. All I need to do is to put my tush in a chair and type…and see.  This is what I have heard certain writers call “showing up.” I like the idea…a lot…and I am hereby dedicating myself to this practice.

This same friend also suggests I look at what’s most important to me and get curious about it. He suggests I do research to build my competency muscles. I can get stronger at knowing I can carry myself in the world. I can learn to navigate things I think I don’t know instead of being at the mercy of being unsure. I can be a student of my life. So, I’m investigating what that might look like. 

What do I want to know about? Where have I been afraid to tread?

If what I want is to eventually get a book written…what would I like to write about? What do I need to get clear about first? Why am I writing, anyway? Deep down…what’s my purpose for sitting in the chair?

Eventually, it would be nice to make some money at writing, somehow, certainly. No doubt. And I’ve realized that making money, as a motivation, will only take me so far. 

I want to connect with people…and I want to open myself up for people to be able to connect with me. This much is clear…and it’s certainly a beginning.  I feel there’s even more. It has something to do with being engaged in what I’m doing…being absorbed and interested. 

So I would love to hear from you: What motivates you? What’s most important to you? What are you most curious about?