Sometimes the world feels too much with me. The “How am I going to make my life work?” The cacophony. The aimlessness…the wandering…seeming to go nowhere at all. Emptiness. Sameness. Fear.
The doubt.
All too much with me. Clinging like a damp humidity and sweat. Cumbersome. Becoming heavy.
Right now I need silence. I need the voices in my head to calm themselves. I need to breathe.
I need to hold my own heart in respect…in dignity and compassion. I need time with myself. I need time to honor the child and to allay her fears. She needs some of my tenderness.
Big things are afoot. At least I would like there to be. I am dreaming there are. A book. A sea change. A new life. All sorts of possibilities.
A river moving toward the ocean.
I never saw myself here while I was growing up. I saw myself playing safe. Playing by the rules.
I don’t feel as if I’m playing by the rules anymore. I feel as if there are no rules. And it’s awkward. It’s unwieldy. I’m not sure what to do with that.
Somehow, it feels as if I were always destined to be here…dancing on this edge. The child in me was always stronger than I knew…than she knew. Magic. Resilient. She was a deep well of faith in a way she couldn’t see at the time. A deep well of persistent, unstoppable joy.
She brought me here. Her destiny brought me here.
Love. Grace. Connection to God brought me here…to this place where I am not sure what’s next, where I am pushing a bit to see what’s behind the next door…where my next answer is.
“You know…and you know that you know.” ~Julia Cameron
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart.” ~Rilke
So here is this day, balanced between the two.