Feel

Hello Readers,

What a strange day…from morning on.

So. many. emotions.

Last night, I went to see a play called Incantata. It was a recitation of the poem “Incantata”by Paul Muldoon…but much more than a mere recitation. The poem is about his grief at losing his partner, Mary Farl Powers to cancer.  Stanley Townsend  (the only actor) was amazing…and moving…and raw…and the staging of the play was ingenious. I couldn’t “get” all the words…but I found I didn’t really need the ones that slipped by. I could feel them.

So…I woke up this morning with this strange edginess and grief. What was I grieving? I wondered if it had been connected with having seen the play. Maybe. But maybe there was something else going on. I’ve been bored and sad and angry, too. I’ve been feeling a bit petulant today.  I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to do much of anything at all. Just all kinds of things were stirred up.

I did go out to take a short walk to the grocery store…which helped.

Just taking care of myself helped.

Move some. Eat some. Drink water.

I recognized that I was feeling as if “no one cares about me.” Have you ever felt like that when in your heart, you know it isn’t the truth? I was having all kinds of feelings that didn’t make any sense. (This is what I mean when I say “petulant.”)

What I know is, my emotions never really are rational. They don’t make sense. Logic has nothing to do with it.  There aren’t wrong ones and right ones. They’re emotions! It’s thinking I shouldn’t be having them that’s really crazy-making. Once I get that, I can look at my emotions with an open heart, and  things begin to get more clear. Things get softer. Once I that happens, I can see the truth of how what hurts is pretty generally connected with a thought that isn’t isn’t even true.

“When we question our thoughts, we see that the craziness was never in the world, but in us.” Byron Katie