I have given myself a challenge to write an entry every day…at least for awhile…at least something.
Right now the cursor is blinking at me going: “Okay, ‘Ms. Writer’, you asked for it. You wanted it. Well…now you have it. What the heck are you going to do with it? You wanted to write. Write.”
Ugh! That voice. Do you know it? It’s that voice that likes to tell me that whatever I’m doing, it isn’t quite good enough.
Right now I’m going to start by taking a really deep breath and giving up on trying to please it.
What am I learning, so far?
I am learning that things that might show up, at first, as frustrations or might look like “mistakes” along the way are actually pointers. They’re pointers to lead me in the direction of what I really want.
I’m not always all “Pollyanna” about it…but it really is the truth.
Was it a “mistake” to have my first stop be out here in a rural farm area, on a dairy farm…and to do it for a month…and to do it without renting a car? Do I want to be in the countryside, or would I rather be in the city? Do I want to focus on honing my writing or do I want to play? (The answer is some of both!) It’s a matter of stopping, and listening, and getting the message.
It’s a matter of making whatever adjustments I might like to make.
On a day like today…when I am feeling tired, and alone, and wondering what the heck I “ought to be” doing with myself, sometimes the questions show up again. The thing is…I know very well I can feel the same way in the midst of a crowd.
How I feel is just how I feel now. It’s never forever. My energy level is low. Sometimes I just need to give myself permission to rest. How I feel right now is asking me to take care of myself. It’s asking me what I need. It’s not that there’s been a mistake.
The question is always: “What would open me up to a greater level of gratitude in this moment?”
I made the choice in my first few days here to stay. As it turns out, I am having fun this first month having this quiet room from which to work; and I’m finding there are plenty of ways to feed my curiosity to venture out, too. I love walking, here. There are buses and trains. I’m hardly “stuck”. Tomorrow I am going to Athlone. Yesterday I was shown around the dairy farm and got to see its workings.
Do I want to complain about about the Irish summer sun that is out this week shining its big ol’ heart out until 10 PM? Do I want to chastise it for keeping me awake? Really? (Yes…I regret to say I have felt like that.) Or…am I going to breathe, and say yes, and put chair in front of my bedroom window, and then take in the amazing sunset if I’m still awake?
Which is going to feed my spirit better? I ask you.
(Okay. I can always try a sleep mask, too; that’s another option. Silently stewing isn’t an option. Well, maybe it is…but it’s a lousy option…it gets nowhere.)
I get to do this however I would like. I get to make myself happy.