Plot Twist

It is fascinating to me, the way a life happens. It can’t be forced into a box. There can be intention. There can be a vision. Still…there are always surprises. What life hasn’t had surprises? What life has ever gone exactly as expected? Expectation is practically a dirty word, it gets us into all kinds of trouble. Not to mention that the vision can move and change and shift. Then there’s a new vision and a new path. 
Plot twist!

It has seemed to beg the question: What am I supposed to do? I’ve wondered that over and over again. What am I being called to? Why does my life look the way it does? Why does it seem so messy and strange and random and nonsensical? Where is it supposed to go? What is my destiny? Which has turned out, for me, to be a rather humorous basket of queries.

What if what I’m “supposed” to do is exactly what I’m doing? Always. Moment by moment by moment. What if I couldn’t possibly be doing anything else? Because, hey, that’s what’s happening, right? Just look…the truth of it is right here, right now. (Is there anything else but right now?) 

What shows up…whatever is actually in front of me…is called “grace”. At least this has been my experience. I know it may sound crazy, but my thoughts, my decisions, my desires, my goals…whatever else they may appear to be; they are also grace. They’re given. They’re handed to me from someplace I don’t understand. (Where do they come from, anyway? They seem to rise up out of nowhere.) They’re gifts that give momentum to this life.

I used to crave being safe. Now, it seems to be something more like “learning to become comfortable being uncomfortable” is the way…because not knowing is the truth. 

I don’t know about tomorrow. I don’t know about five minutes from now. Living anxiously on pins and needles doesn’t seem to make anything any better. So I am going about learning a new way. I don’t claim to have it all “figured out”. (I don’t even care for that phrase anymore. It doesn’t seem to resonate with the way things actually work.) Still, a new way seems to be happening…all at its own pace.

A friend asks what I’m seeking. There could be a lot of words for it. Freedom. Peace. Authenticity. Reality. God. 

Maybe the answer is “nothing”. Maybe I’m not seeking anything at all anymore because I can see that all I have, and all I need, is actually right in front of me. It’s already here, nurturing me. Reality is here. It always has been. I don’t have to look for it. Maybe I’m not seeking anything anymore because I’ve become okay with not needing to answer every question. Maybe some things were never meant to be solved. Maybe it’s more fun to leave my heart open to mystery and smile.

So here I sit, trying to create an “authentic” life. (Whatever that means, which seems to come down to whatever it means to me.) Sometimes it’s a lot of fun, like a toy or a game or just dancing; and at other times it starts to feel very serious and important…even grave.  It’s all changing weather reports. Changing thoughts and emotions. All the while, somehow, everything is fine. How could it not be? The current running underneath it all, carrying it all, is bigger than myself. It knows the way down the river.

The river is not separate from me. Reality is not separate from me. I can’t go the wrong way.