When I stop struggling…

Breathing in…I am honing my voice.

Breathing out…I am loving my world.

My world. This experience. This astounding life. These very particular challenges. This beautiful mess…and this amazing joy is my creation.

This hard won brink of a breakthrough…this edge…is my creation.

I seem to have no idea what I am doing. “When I stop struggling,I float. It’s the law.”

Sometimes I don’t like this woman very much who doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing. This woman who seems painfully slow to learn; who seems to flail about. Four and a half years on this journey…sixty-three years of my life…and still…

I get impatient with her—angry with her. And that is certainly part of the problem…when I do that; when I am beating her up, instead of loving her. 

Everything seems as if it is too big…too much…IMPOSSIBLE…when I am beating her up. When I am disgusted and ashamed.

I swear I am on the brink of a discovery. I’ve been calling it to myself for a long, long time. Or at least it feels like a long, long time.

Now is the time. My money fears…my clinginess to money…is even now leaving me. I declare it.

I feel it. I don’t know how this works…but I’ve been asking for a long time, albeit in ways I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand that THAT is what I have been doing: asking for a change in my relationship with money…with my ideas about what money means and abundance means and trust means.

Yes, please. I don’t know how…but I’m ready.